I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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