I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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