I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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