why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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