I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
