Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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