So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
