did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
