have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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