direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
