You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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