Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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