I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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