Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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