there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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