if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
