Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
