There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
