so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
