Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
