I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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