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my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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