so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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