I just pynch a tree in the face
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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