if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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