if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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