Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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