New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
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it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize