The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
