i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
