How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
