So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if only i could text you this smell
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
