You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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