well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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