Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
