I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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