I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
