OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
