They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The air was thick with penises
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
