how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
