My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
