Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
