you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
