im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
