I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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