4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
