I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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