I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
