ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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