You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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