The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am naked and annoyed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
