dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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