What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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