so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
