I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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