Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
