what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
